If after reading the title, your perverted mind went somewhere sexual, you need help. Seriously. You’re demented and I want no part of your filthy presence here on my family website.

With that being said, I feel that I can move on to the actual content of my post without further chastising your sorry ass.

Now that I’m in a HUGE city, compared to where I moved from, what I can’t get used to is the traffic. Specifically, all the damn horn blowing these bastards do around here. Sit six tenths of a second too long at a red light after it turns green? HOOONK

Get off the interstate and wait for the little red sports car to come by instead of pulling out in front of it? HOOOONK

Ya damn bastards. I’m serious, the next person who honks their fuckin horn at me will recieve 2 broken headlights, a crack in their windshield, and a busted up head. I’m turning all vigilante.

Let that be a lesson for all you horn honkin pieces of crap.

Breathe Michael, breathe….

Another thing I hate?

Traffic. Everywhere I go now, I deal with traffic. Want to go eat at the mexican restaurant that’s 6 miles down the road? 20 minutes later, you’re there. Wal Mart 5 miles down the road? Still 20 minutes.

And don’t let me get off work around 4-6 p.m and try to make it home…..

I’ve printed these photos off and taped them to my dash in an attempt to try and be more positive, more optomistic you know. Maybe you should do the same if you’re like me, a traffic hatin’ bastard.

I hope it works for you…it sure as hell doesn’t do anything for me.

After much deliberation, I’ve decided that no one really cares about my great balls of fire that I mentioned in my last post so I wrote a new one….

Besides my wife, there are only 2 things that can really make my blood boil. A picture of Jessica Alba with her mouth wide open or a discussion about our current president.

Now if you’re thinking to yourself that I never write about politics, you’d be right. That doesn’t mean I’m not familiar with them.

Hell, I know politics. I lived through politics firsthand. I was class president in the 8th grade. I weathered the bureaucratic mayhem and survived. Even when Sarah Ealey tried to impeach me for putting Bazooka bubblegum in her hair.

“Bitch, I’m the president” I yelled…

Anyway, enough about my days as head honcho. Let’s move on to our president….

These so called stimulus checks are nothing but bullshit. He’s going to give me money that I didn’t ask for and then turn around and tax me on it next year? What the hell is that?

“To help cope with the rising gas prices” he says…..

Meanwhile, oil companies are breaking record profits.

From Bush’s refusal to face this energy crisis head on, the sad shape that is American education, the privacy issues of our citizens that he’s so blatantly ignored, and the innocent lives we have all lost in the Middle East that has absolutely nothing to do with the “War on Terrorism” that he has promised.

And people wanted Clinton impeached cause he lied about getting a blowjob? You bastards with your morals….

I know, I know…I’ve been gone for a little bit. I’ve been busy doing shit.

First order of news today is I’m at the hotel again and I have hot balls.

Why didn’t someone warn me about laptops generating enough heat on my lap to boil semen? I find myself laying in awkward posistions just to keep it away from my crotchal regions. I traded my XBox for this? Damn…..

Anyway, enough about my fiery gonads

We are the only family on my street that is white. I’m not saying this because I am a racist (ask that ho CeCe) but I say this because I’ve noticed strange customs, to me at least anyway.

To the left of our home and directly across the street, there resides Indian families. The women of the families wear the traditional garb from head to toe. One has kids so I know she has cleavage somewhere under there.

Mouth watering smells are always emitting from both houses.

Therein lies the problem.

What do I need to do to get myself invited to one of their dinners?

Surely, the collective wit and intelligence of the ignorant super smart visitors can give me a suggestion or two?!

I have a headache and I’m about to get called for work. Remember who’s hauling your products while you lazy bastards sleep in the comfort of your own beds!

I’m officially batshit crazy.

It’s 2:04 a.m., I’m lying in the bed in this non descript hotel with my new “personal assistant” on my lap, and I’m watching the damn Golden Girls.

Pass the Geritol….I know some of you bastards have some.

Anyway, my friend and his girl paid my wife and I a visit. It’s the first time my wife and I met my friend’s girlfriend. Right off the bat, her and Trish “hit it off”.

Next thing you know, my buddy and I are standing in the kitchen listening to these two women discuss our shortcomings.

“Well, Ray doesn’t do this and he doesn’t do that”

“Well, Michael got this for my birthday” (she was holding up….nothing)

“Ray bought me a fake rose for Valentine’s Day and he didn’t even know it was fake!”

“Let me tell you what Michael did for me for Valentine’s Day”

……..Me and Ray adjourned this meeting quicker than what we hoped and separated these two lovely women.

Men get together and we talk about tits and ass. WE PUT OUR WIVES ON A PEDESTAL.

No matter what, our wife has the biggest breasts in the conversation, period. Our wife gives the best blowjobs….our wife makes the best dinners.

Can you heathens see the pattern here?

Women get together and all they talk about is how hot that guy over there looks without his shirt on and how her husband doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body!

Please….

I’m romantic. I even let Trish eat Chinese in bed the other night.

I made them leave right afterwards though.

Where the hell have I been?

Working. That’s where….

Working my little ol’ ass off.

Unfortunately for you heathens, I’m back. Now when I spend hours alone in a non descript hotel room, I will have my personal “assistant” by my side.

A Dell Latitude D620.

I gave up my XBox 360 for this thing.

Can you believe that shit?

I’m growing up.

I noticed that most everyone’s 3 important material things are electronics.

Men are supposed to love electronics. I didn’t see one woman list a broom or a mop. I’m appalled at how society has changed. I did see a few washers and dryers listed, so there is hope.

I’m about to get told off, aren’t I?

Anyway, I spent the day yesterday at the dealership again. You know the new car I bought? (pics 2 posts below this one). I put exactly SEVEN (7) miles on it, left it sitting in the driveway all day, and when Trish got home from work…..

It wouldn’t crank.

It was the battery but I wasn’t about to buy a new one. Instead, the morons (dealership) hired a tow truck, towed it to their place, and installed a new battery.

Tell you what, if it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

I’m working on the video…..save the popcorn for tomorrow.

I’m going to ask you to name 3 things that are the most important to you but before you answer, I’m going to ask you not to name the obvious….

Your spouse, your unruly offspring, your friends….you know, those are a given.

My wife and 4 children are the most important to me but today, I want us to be materialistic.

Hell, that shouldn’t be too hard for you womenfolk.

Since I wouldn’t ask you heathens to do something that I wouldn’t do (besides mouthing a tubular appendage) here are my 3 most important things to me….

1. My XBox 360
2. My computer
3. My XM radio

I was going to say my ability to spot cleavage from a mile away but that’s not materialistic. I’d say that’s a freakin’ gift!

Now, good folks of the internets, it’s your turn….

Sidenote: Who wants one of my infamous homemade movies posted tomorrow?!

There are certain things a man takes for granted in this life…..

Good sex, home cooked meals, and a clean house to name a few….

That’s why it’s important for us men to take care of our women if they are providing these things on a regular basis.

I mean, let’s compare women to farm animals for a second here….

If I had a cow who gave me drankin’ milk on a regular basis, I’d keep feedin’ her and taking care of her. Same with a chicken….give me eggs and I’ll keep providing her with food and shit. Now, if these animals quit providing me with milk and food….they won’t have to worry about what to bring for dinner, all they’ll have to do is show up. Get my drift?

Anyway, being that I am a man who lacks the knowledge to perform CPR on our raggedy car, I did what all men in this situation does…..

Bought her a new one…..

I mean seriously, exactly how many blowjobs is this worth? I need a definitive answer for when she gets home from work today.

Moving from a small apartment, we have found that we don’t have enough shit to fill up a house. Which is fine, less clutter and I’m all about no clutterin’.

In any case, here are some pictures….

Officially on vacation this week!

I know a guy on the west coast who would be receiving my used boxer shorts with my Drakkar sprayed all over’em….

Fortunately for both us, I’m not gay. Nor am I a homophobe. I just don’t hang out with gay people because I don’t know very many of’em. Well, my cousin is gay and I sat beside him at our family Thanksgiving meal so see? You people can just shut the hell up.

Whatever.

Anyway, Clinton (you’ve seen him comment here) is engaged to be married to Kayla (you’ve seen her comment here also) soon as she graduates.

See, he’s a smart bastard. He’s waiting until she gets out of school so she can make even more money. Props to you my friend, props to you.

Today, dear 3 million readers, I would like you to offer your suggestion to Clinton as to what he will need to do….

Clinton? My advice is to keep Kayla sexually satisfied. Everyone knows that a woman who isn’t sexually satisfied will cheat on your ass more often than she changes hairstyles. Yes, that means put away the Nintendo DS for a few minutes.

Not that Kayla ever would, mind you…

And Clinton? The other visitors here think you should… (here’s where you guys help out)

By the way, you owe me a beer or 12…I don’t forget beer owers.

Sidenote: Trish and I ARE LOVING the new house. Yes, the deal fell through on the other one and I didn’t really want to spill the beans about this one for fear it would bring me bad luck…In any case, pictures will be here shortly.